Shower Thoughts

love showers. Hot showers. Just one tiny turn off from pain, so it’s just hitting the edge. Because when the shower hits that point, my brain has to focus on the most prominent pain, and turns off the rest, so it’s only in the shower that my body stops hurting. It’s glorious.

It also lets me get a sense of what else is going on in my body, like the near-constant flutter of butterflies-in-my-stomach. And my mind jumps back 25 years……

When I was a young teen, I had complained to my parents of the near constant feeling of butterflies-in-my-stomach. Off to the doctor we went, and a barrage of tests were undertaken. Including a weird fainting thing I had around the same time, I underwent: EEG, ECG, CT scan, and a Barium Meal test. All good times. All turned up…………… nothing.

And it occurs to me now, with all the doctors that were involved, all the specialists: how come no-one said “hey, this kid is saying that they feel the pretty much cliche sign of anxiety, butterflies-in-the-stomach. Maybe….. Just maybe…… They should chat to a psychiatrist? Y’know, for the craic?”

And that conversation would probably have revealed the constant fear in my life. The near constant emotional abuse and bullying from people at school. The emotional conflict that made up the majority of my friendships. The emotional abuse of my dad. And, hell, maybe we could have started treatment for anxiety ~20 years ago.

If the Alternate Worlds hypothesis is correct, then I hope that that Brian is living a happy and comfortable life. I wish I were them.

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